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2. PARENTING POINT TO PONDER: A Listening Sandwich
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"They never listen to me!"
Our local newspaper asked 100 kids, aged seven to 17, this question: "What do you wish your parents did differently?"
The most common answer? No, it was not that they provide more junk food, give later curfews, or allow unlimited TV. The most common answer was, "I wish they would listen to me."
What do kids mean when they say this? Surely, their parents "listen" to them…all day long. What they mean is that they want their parents to just listen. Not listen and judge, not listen and nag, and not even listen and solve. What they mean is that they would like their parents' sincere attention and interest. What they want is a parent who will put down the remote control, the newspaper, or the dishtowel and give them a few minutes of eyeball-to-eyeball listening.
This month's article gives you a few concrete tips on being the best listener to your own kids. I have to go pick up my oldest from school now… and I plan to really listen to her talk on our drive home. In fact...I plan to hear her, too.
Elizabeth
Make it a personal rule: "The first thing I say to my child each day will be pleasant, and the last thing I say each night will be pleasant. And in between, I'll do a lot of listening."
Think back to when you were a child, and all the times when you felt self-doubt, confusion, and frustration. Its tough growing up! You can help your children get through the bumps and bruises of childhood by simply being there for them. Children need to know that when the whole world feels like it's crashing down around them, they have one safe, secure place to go, and one bottomless source of unconditional love.
Listening is as much a skill as giving a speech is. It's not just a matter of picking up sounds: active listening involves an array of behaviors that express your attention, empathy, and respect. Listening to your children in this way will go far toward convincing them of your unconditional love. Keep these guidelines in mind when your child has something important to say to you:
1. Put down your paper or dishtowel. Shut off the TV. Maintain as much eye contact as your child seems comfortable with. Make body contact, such as a hand to the shoulder, if that seems appropriate. Often, when children are trying to express a problem, thought or concern, their parents say they are listening — but half of their attention is somewhere else. You can't con a child this way. Typically, a few minutes of sincere, attentive listening is worth more than an hour of letting your child talk while you carry on with another activity.
2. Don't rush to jump in with solutions, ideas or lectures. Often, children just need a sounding board. They need another person listening to give them an opportunity to figure out exactly what they want to do. Solving your child's problem may give you the relief of ending his or her discomfort — but in the long term, it's worth far more to them to get the support they need to formulate solutions on their own.
3. Demonstrate that you're listening by asking appropriate questions and making “listening” sounds such as, “Hmmm,” “Oh,” “Really?” “Darn!” or “Wow!”
4. Validate your child's fears and feelings. When our children come to us with negative emotions, it's far too tempting to minimize them: “Oh, don't worry about it,” or “There's nothing to be afraid of.” These comments do much more harm than good. It's important for children to learn to trust their own feelings. By brushing them off, you're giving your child the message that his or her feelings are wrong or unimportant. You can validate your child's feelings instead with such comments as, “That sounds embarrassing.” Or, “It can hurt to feel left out.” Or, “That must be frustrating.”
5. Help your child to focus on possible solutions, rather than getting mired in the problem. If the situation isn't one that can be solved — if it's a condition rather than a problem — encourage your child to express his or her feelings fully, and then move on. Help your child use forward-thinking phrases like, "I bet you wish..." or "Wouldn't it be nice if..." or "What do you think you'll do now?"
Excerpted with permission by New Harbinger Publications, Inc. from Kid Cooperation: How to Stop Yelling, Nagging and Pleading and Get Kids to Cooperate by Elizabeth Pantley, copyright 1996)
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